CW: self-harm, sexual content, trauma, substance use

Guardian: We’re here to face the truth: our body can’t go on like this. I say we start making changes now. Do you agree?

Sage: I agree.

Trickster: This is stupid.

Boy: I don’t want to be here.

Guardian: It’s already too late to ignore this. Our body is breaking down. If we don’t act, we’ll suffer a painful death, and soon. Do you understand that?

Boy: I know. It’s serious. We were both there, weren’t we?

Guardian: I was. You tuned out as soon as the doctor said “Stop drinking”. Did you hear anything they said after that?

Boy: I can guess. Quit smoking, drinking, weed, junk food, sugar. Live healthy or else, right? Something like that.

Trickster: What a drag! Screw this. Let’s hit a bar, grab a beer, and chase it with a bottle of rum.

Guardian: Enough! We don’t have time for your nonsense.

Boy: He makes a tempting argument… Feels like I’m just here for a scolding. Won’t change a thing anyway. Might as well get fucked up.

Sage: My dear… please. I love you. Let’s just talk. We’re not here to judge, only to understand.

Boy: Understand what? That I’m a junkie? That I’ve been one for most of my life?

Sage: My love, you are so much more than that. Your addictions don’t define you. We can find a way to heal together, but first we need to understand what’s happening, what drives this.

Boy: I wish I could believe you.

Trickster: The more you talk, the more I’m craving a joint.

Guardian: Shut up!

Sage: No, let him speak. Repression never works.

Guardian: So we just let him run wild until he destroys everything? What’s the plan here?

Sage: I want us to talk openly, honestly, in good faith. I know you mean well, but your judgmental tone isn’t helping.

Guardian: Easy for you to say. You don’t go to the doctors, keep track of pills, cook, clean, run this house. That’s all on me.

Boy: Great, we’re arguing now. I’m not sticking around for this.

Trickster: Yeeees! Grindr time. Dick delivery in less than an hour!

Sage: My love, I know you want quick relief, but this isn’t the way. Please stay. Let’s face the truth together.

Boy: Fine, though I doubt it’ll help. Trickster, zip it for a few minutes. The grown-ups are talking.

Trickster: Honey, if you could control me, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

Boy: Whatever. But I’m not taking any questions from the Guardian; last thing I need is more harsh treatment.

Guardian: I’m sorry… I am frustrated and tired. I know I’ve been taking it out on you. I’ll try to just listen.

Boy: That’s… a bit better. 

Sage: Tell me love, what’s happening? I want to understand these cravings.

Boy: I… I don’t know… It’s too much.

Sage: You don’t have to say it all at once… just start small. What do you feel before you numb yourself?

Boy: Panic… I can’t breathe… I’m so overwhelmed. 

Sage: And in those moments, what do you usually reach for?

Boy: My phone… my games… the bong… anything to take the edge off.

Sage: What is it that makes you so afraid, dear? 

Boy: Everything.

Sage: I’m so sorry this is happening. Let’s try and break it down a bit. Can you think of any specific things that make you feel this way?

Boy: I don’t know. All of it… life.

Sage: Does work feel hard too?

Boy: Yeah, that’s the worst. 

Sage: And health issues, maybe?

Boy: Oh, those are even worse. 

Sage: What about relationships? Do they cause fear too?

Boy: I don’t have those… Except friends. I love my friends. 

Sage: Are you afraid when you’re with them?

Boy: Only when I see them in person. Screens help.

Sage: And what about fun? Are there things you enjoy?

Boy: I only have fun when I escape. Everything else is… tainted.

Sage: What do you mean by that?

Boy: I’m afraid all the time whenever I have to do something. And there’s always something to do. 

Sage: Are you afraid of going to the store, cleaning the house, making appointments?

Boy: There’s people at the store. I have to talk…. People always look at me funny and treat me like a child. I don’t like them. They could hurt me. I am small. 

Sage: I understand… Social situations can be hard, even for people who seem well adjusted. Are there any interactions you enjoy?

Boy: I love cats. I am never afraid when they are around. 

Sage: That’s wonderful! It’s good you have a calming space. 

Boy: I guess.

Sage: Do you remember when you started feeling this afraid?

Boy: I think… When I was little… maybe eight years old? Around that time. 

Sage: What happened then? Can you remember?

Boy: It’s all fuzzy. I’m not sure. It hurts to go back there.

Sage: I understand. I’m here with you… maybe we can go there together?

Boy: They said I’m a genius… wanted me to be perfect. But the other kids said I’m weird. They wouldn’t play with me. I had no peace, no quiet. 

Sage: Did you talk to anyone? Did you ask for help?

Boy: We didn’t talk in our house. We only fought. Violently, sometimes. Everybody drank. Everybody screamed. I couldn’t sleep. 

Sage: That’s terrible, no child should ever go through this. 

Boy: Please don’t say that. It makes me cry. 

Sage: Cry if you need to… I am here, I can hold you.

Boy: No touching! I can’t stand being touched while I cry. 

Sage: I’m sorry… I’ll sit close and give you space. How are you feeling now?

Boy: I don’t understand and I’m afraid. 

Sage: What scares you?

Boy: All this… Why is it still happening to me? I did everything I was supposed to. 

Sage: What do you mean?

Boy: You know, therapy, pills, healthy food, exercising, meditation. 

Sage: And nothing has helped?

Boy: Well… it helped for a while, but I could never keep up a routine. 

Sage: Do you have any idea why?

Boy: No… all I know is I tried. Many, many times. And it’s always the same… I start, do great for a while, then somewhere along the way, I lose confidence… I can’t do everything perfectly. Then panic comes and I can’t sleep.

Sage: And that’s when you stop?

Boy: Yes. 

Sage: Does taking a break not help at all?

Boy: No… If I take a break, I can’t get back in the rhythm. And then… they all come over me.

Sage: Who?

Boy: Panic, guilt and shame.

Sage: I’m sorry… that must be overwhelming. Is that when you reach for relief?

Boy: Yes…

Sage: I understand. 

Boy: I know this isn’t okay. I know I’m trapped. I’m not stupid. I just can’t do anything about it. So… I’d rather not be here.

Sage: You are here now, we’re talking, you’re doing great. 

Boy: Not really… I have no hope in this process. I don’t think I’ll ever get well; I don’t even think that’s possible. 

Sage: That’s addiction talking, my love. The more you numb yourself, the greater the pain… the lesser the hope. Life gets smaller, and before you know it… you’re caught in a loop of desperation and defeat.

Boy: That’s… Yes. That’s my life. 

Sage: But we can get out. I can guide you… if you let me. Guardian is here too, he wants to take care of you.

Guardian: I will do anything I have to. I know I can be harsh sometimes… but I care about you. I want us to live and have a good life.

Sage: See? There is hope. There is love.

Boy: I don’t believe this… I tried love already, and all it did was hurt me.

Trickster: Baby, let’s get out of here. They don’t get it. They don’t feel your pain.

Boy: Trickster is right… I’m in a lot of pain. 

Sage: I know you are… I am sorry. But we made progress today. 

Boy: Doesn’t feel like it. More like we pestered a wound and it got infected. We should’ve left it alone. 

Sage: The road to recovery isn’t easy, I know. I wish I could take your pain away, but that’s not possible. 

Trickster: The hell it isn’t! I’ve got ways. Come… let me show you. 

Sage: Those are temporary fixes. I want more for us, and I know you do too, Boy. Remember when you told me about your dreams… how you wanted to travel, write, find your people, live passionately, fully? That part of you is still there.

Boy: That was a long time ago… Those dreams are dead now. 

Sage: They aren’t, dear. They are your strength, your motivation. 

Boy: They used to be… I don’t believe any of them are possible anymore.

Sage: What would make you believe again?

Boy: If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here, would I?

Sage: Sweetheart… I know everything seems dark and impossible now. If you choose to run away, it will only get darker. There will be no joy, our health will falter, we will die. I understand you don’t want to live like this, but there is no way out except by confronting the panic, shame, and guilt.

Boy: I’m afraid… I do want to get out. I don’t want to live like this! But I’m so tired of fighting. Please… tell me you understand.

Sage: I do, you know I do. 

Guardian: I don’t. I’m sorry… but I don’t. How can one see all this and still choose darkness? I know life is hard, but we have a lot of good things going. 

Trickster: Sweet Lady Gaga! You sure are daft for someone so smart.

Boy: This isn’t helping… Please, stop. All of you… just stop it. I can’t take this pressure anymore.

Trickster: I know the perfect fix. Tell me what you want, and I’ll get it.

Boy: One more night. Just one more.

Trickster: That’s all I need, baby. 

Guardian: Why did I even bother? I’m exhausted fighting for someone who won’t fight for themselves. If you choose this path, you’ll destroy yourself, and I can’t stop you.

Sage: I’ll wait for you… but I am afraid you may not come back.

Photo by Elena Leya on Unsplash